Ayahuasca Diaries 2: Did I die?
A lot of people who drank ayahuasca shared that they felt like they died. Did I feel like I was dying? Well, I did drop into a very deep, black hole of visions, that was so permeating that I lost a sense of self. It’s like Elsi Eng was not watching anymore. There was just watching. Who was watching? Where was I? What happened to me, my body? …..No idea.
Now I can’t speak for other people’s visions, and how they experienced dying, or the dying of their ego. But I certainly can say that I felt somewhat well-prepared during this ayahuasca dying experience. I have been following Tibetan Buddhism as my primary spiritual path for the past 6 years. And in Tibetan Buddhism, we talk about dying or facing death all the time.
In fact, we are asked to visualize ourselves facing death as part of our training, and we are asked to remind ourselves every second that death could come the very next second. So as a practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism, as part of my studies, I think about the topic around death ALL the time. So even though the ayahuasca dying experience was frightening to me at first, I was able to remember my guru’s teachings, and things got rather exciting after that.
To be honest, it was for sure scary when Elsi Eng stopped existing. She couldn’t be found anywhere. There’s no such thing as a Elsi Eng. There was just the watching, but it wasn’t Elsi Eng who was watching these visions. There was just awareness. So I panicked for a second, and felt sort of hard to breathe. But I remembered my guru Mingyur Rinpoche teaching, that the experience of non-self is really good news, because that in itself is wisdom, the key to liberation.
You see, my Buddhist teachers also taught me methods to use death as an opportunity to reach enlightenment, or to teleport to Purelands and escape the cycle of reincarnation. My teachers also gave me protectors such as the 6-armed Mahakala to walk me through bardo. When we die, we will go into this bardo state, that’s an intermediate state between death and rebirth. And if I remember to call out to 6-armed Mahakala, he will come rescue me from limbo.
Om Benza Nara Tring Tring Houng Houng Pe Pe
Om Benza Nara Tring Tring Houng Houng Pe Pe
Om Benza Nara Tring Tring Houng Houng Pe Pe
So I got all these wonderful things to look toward at time of death: attain enlightenment, immigrate to Pureland and escape the matrix foever. Plus I got all these Buddhas, Bodhisattvas and protectors I can call upon to shepherd me. So the ayahuasca dying experience was a GREAT fire drill. I came in with a very clear motive. I wanted to experience it so I can apply my knowledge in a simulation that’s way better than in a dark and obnoxiously deafening nightclub, which has also been somewhat a dying experience for me.
During the ceremony, as I was praying to my deities, Buddha heard my prayer, and he let me into his thoughts and perspective. You see, now I know why all buddha statues are smiling. He’s smiling because he is in utter bliss. This bliss comes from becoming one with all-that-is, divine, source, or the-truth. Buddha is in harmony with everything that emerges from emptiness. Buddha is the most chilled guy ever.
Am I forever enlightened from this ayahuasca experience? No. While I was on it, it was beautiful. I was indeed THERE, but once the medicine wore off, I got dropped down to earth again. I had post-ceremony blues for many days and felt quite broken, because once you got a taste of that soaring high frequency, it’s depressing to be back to our everyday life frequency. But even though it was no shortcut to enlightenment, it gave me temporary access to the truth, to my Buddha nature. This helps in strengthening my faith in Buddha’s teachings.
~ Tsultrim Odenma ཝོདེནམ (aka. Elsi Eng)
By this merit may all attain omniscience.
May it defeat the enemy, wrongdoing.
From the stormy waves of birth, old age, sickness and death;
From the ocean of samsara, may I free all beings!
