Ayahuasca Diaries 1: We are stuck in the Matrix for reals

I waited a long time before choosing this medicine. I was scared, but I needed a miracle. So I asked myself: c’mon where’s that tough girl? Turns out. Choosing this medicine is an act of self-love. And by healing myself, I’m healing the world. My name is Elsi Eng, and Welcome to my ayahuasca journey..

I watched the Matrix as a kid and have obviously been entertained by the idea, but it wasn’t until a few years ago, when I heard my guru Tsultrim Lodrö Khenpo talk about Buddhism in the first Matrix movie, I then started looking at the film as more than just fiction…

This ayahuasca journey I just went on, just confirmed everything! I saw this bottomless pit, kind of reminded me of Matthew McConaughey’s character in Interstellar, when he fell into this 5th dimension, where time and space doesn’t matter. In a way, it also reminded me of Neo when he woke up from the Matrix power plant. Because it felt so vast, and beyond overwhelming. Maybe it was the matrix reincarnation loop system, or maybe it was a matrix my mind built for myself and I was trapped in it. Whatever it was,  I felt like a speck of dust in comparison to it.  In Buddhism, it is said that we are trapped in samsara, the cycle of death and rebirth into 6 realms (Hell, hungry ghosts, animals, humans, asuras and heavenly beings).  None of these realms is desirable because they are all filled with suffering. To break free of this samsara, we must see through the illusion, but we are too busy stimulating ourselves in a world of unreal reality. 

In my vision, I saw this guy gaping at all the stimuli: mindless entertainment, games, food, merchandise…like a buffet of sensual indulgence. Then the stimuli increased exponentially and started racing past this guy’s eyes, and his eyes widened with horror, his mind exploding of overload. As I was watching this, I had a Deja Vu feeling.

It sent chills down my spine. Maybe I’m this guy feeding myself this sensual buffet. Think about it. Facebook feeds are called a feed for a reason. Instagram feed, twitter feed, what am I feeding myself everyday? All these digital junk with poisonous ideas. Maybe my poor diet is the culprit behind this, weaving this matrix I’m forever trapped in. doesn't matter how unwilling I am towards reincarnation back to the samsara time and time again. I need to change my ways, because I realized that I have been working against my own liberation.

When the music stops, none of it matters. I’m talking about All the materialistic bullshit we’ve been actually force fed. Foie gras, a “delicacy” in French cuisine, where food is piped down the throats of ducks multiple times a day, in order to get their livers fattened to 6 times its size. What we are doing to these animals, we have done to ourselves. While we exploited and tortured these beautiful animals, we ourselves have become victims of powerful advertising and marketing manipulation. The minute I open my phone, the minute I’m scrolling mindlessly, I’m force-fed all these supernormal stimuli. And I’ve been conditioned to this for most of my life. Now I know why I feel like I’m on the verge of exploding, Now I know why I’m angry all the time. Now I know why renunciation is so damn important! 

Right after the ceremony, I seriously considered deleting all my social media, which was only tying me further down to the artificial matrix. My friends told me not to make any impulsive moves and sleep on it for a few days. I did, and here’s the new plan. I made a promise to myself that from now on I will work tirelessly towards the goal of being 100% conscious of what I bring into my inner world at all times, and not just mindlessly scrolling through social media, buying into all the garbage information or poisonous ideas. Then, and only then, I can safely guard my mind like a divine garden while still showing up on social media. I will also change the way I show up. I will start being 100% authentic,  more vulnerable, the real me, even on bad hair days. Because in the end, I want people to fall in love with who I really am, instead of the avatar in those pretty pictures.

Drinking mother ayahuasca’s wisdom and love has turned my cravings into aversion. When I heard others in the ceremony start purging, in my vision, I saw them purging out all the poison they’ve been fed in the matrix. Money, fame, power, all these cravings have turned into aversion, Because we are fed up and Ayahuasca is the cleansing medicine. In my vision, I saw black substances purging out from everyone, like how No-face did it in Spirited away.

My guru Tsultrim Lodrö Khenpo once said: “The World we live in is a virtual world. We are born and we die in it. This lifetime we have right now is not the first time around, we had many beginnings before,  in our previous lifetimes. And we got used to being reincarnated back to this virtual reality, and that’s why newborns don't doubt it when they open their eyes for the first time, They immediately cling to this virtual world. They are born and they will die…… all over again…. never escaping this matrix.”

How do we escape? My teacher says: “let’s say you are a gamer, if you could constantly remind yourself that the character you are playing in the game is not your real self, then you will question why would you cry over your character, why would you be playing it so seriously?” So many gamers today use video games and online games as an escape. They are so deep into their game world that instead of escaping this world, they are trapping themselves further into the matrix. A matrix within a matrix…I can say this because I used to be a gamer chick. I played, and was emotionally invested in the MMORPG world .   Let’s look up from our screens and think for a second. This world we are living in is already a game. And to escape it, is not to play more games inside a game. We need to stop playing this life game so seriously. Life game, love game, money game.  Like my teacher Tsultrim Lodro Khenpo said, we need to wake up from the illusory world which we’ve mistaken for the real world. We have to realize, not just blindly accept, but actually REALIZE,  that everything around us is an illusion. Then we have the hope to escape. 

This gamer chick is ready to wake up from this game. What about YOU?

~ Tsultrim Odenma ཝོདེནམ (aka. Elsi Eng)
By this merit may all attain omniscience.
May it defeat the enemy, wrongdoing.
From the stormy waves of birth, old age, sickness and death;
From the ocean of samsara, may I free all beings!