Ego = Suffering
2016. Manhattan.
I was standing in this cozy apartment in Manhattan, waiting for whom I thought was the love of my life to get ready for my birthday dinner. He had me pick out a restaurant, which was Fig & Olive down the street in Chelsea. Just as I was putting on my coat in front of his giant vanity mirror, he said to me:" It's not too fancy of a spot, so you shouldn't get too dressed-up for it".
At first, I was rather offended by his "concerns", and was shocked that he cared so much about people's judgement of appearances. His eagerness to conform-to-norm made him seem like this miserable creature, and in turn, I felt jeopardized because I was looking up to him. I then examined myself on the same issue to be fair, and what I discovered was even more daunting. The seemingly immaculate way he presents himself, and his debonair façade in public were the top reasons why I chose him. Upon such realization, I was at a loss for words. I always considered myself a free-spirit, and him too. Then I saw that none of us are as free as we fantasized ourselves to be. We are both trapped in our own ego, living lives that we think other people may approve, and never dared to get out of a posh prison called ”public appearance“.
The tragic flaw of all human beings is that almost none of us love ourselves unconditionally. We not only judge everyone around us, but are also our own worst critic. This is so since the snake tempted Eve to eat the forbidden apple, and since then Adam & Eve and Steve were prohibited from entering the garden of Eden ever again. That apple is a seed of ego. We ate the apple, and ego deluded us. Ego equals suffering, because ego prevents us from being truthful to ourselves, and from seeing our Buddha nature. Buddha nature is where there is no "good or bad", no "right or wrong". We are all so perfect in our own light; we are all still perfectly eligible to re-enter the garden of Eden (Nirvana). What is preventing us is EGO.
In most cases, the ego to conform-to-norm is preventing us from expressing ourselves truthfully and unapologetically. That's why when I was in acting school, all of my classmates had trouble being ”in the moment" during Meisner exercises because we judge ourselves being "in the moment", and criticize ourselves "in the moment".
How are you going to indulge "in the moment" if you despise "the moment"?
~ Tsultrim Odenma ཝོདེནམ (aka. Elsi Eng)
By this merit may all attain omniscience.
May it defeat the enemy, wrongdoing.
From the stormy waves of birth, old age, sickness and death;
From the ocean of samsara, may I free all beings!
